Vicente and Stephen Hawking leave Heaven, and their trip becomes a secret mission that transverses time and space to a world of porn. Will they return to Heaven and corner the porn market without Jesus finding out? Take a ride in the Rainbow Pimp to find out in this third exciting episode of the epic short stories.
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. Rainbow Pimp
I entered Stephen’s basement laboratory. “Stephen! Don’t you have any better porn than what you’re lending me? I am tired of watching people have sex with your lectures playing in the background or people trying to fit telescopes in their asses. I’m looking for something normal like Tia Ling doing extreme gangbangs.”
“Shh, I’m thinking.” Stephen stood in front of a large blackboard with a cloud drawn at the top marked “Heaven.” Branching from the cloud pipes lead to what appeared to be different planets marked “Mormon World,” “Shit World,” and “Earth.”
“What are you doing?”
He scowled in annoyance. “I am trying to figure out how Heaven connects with the planets. If you went to Shit World by going down God’s toilet, there are likely other worlds and connections to Heaven. If we can figure out where worlds connect, we might figure out how to visit them.”
I shook my head. “You don’t want to go to Shit World. No way.”
He turned to me. “Think about this for a second. If we can figure out how to travel between worlds, we can get things we want like porn.”
I jumped up and down. “Yes! Yes! You are a fucking genius. If we can get new porn, then we can control the market. We can stick it to that fucker Garcia.”
We stared at the board inquisitively for several minutes before I turned to Stephen. “Come on now; this can’t be that hard for you. Weren’t you a rock star physicist? This should be easy for you.”
Stephen frowned. “Yeah, but I was wrong about everything. I didn’t think there was a God or Heaven. Now, instead of theorizing the properties of an expanding universe, I try to learn how Heaven's shit pipes connect with the cosmos. Maybe we should get Carl Sagan to help? I think he believed in God or something along those lines.”
I shook my head. “Aww, man, not Carl Sagan. That guy is such a dick. He has his head up Jesus’ ass, and you know that ass weasel will tell Jesus what we're doing. I can hear Jesus now, ‘You know I have to tell the Heavenly Father about these shenanigans.’”
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s take a break and go to the gloryhole. It’s going to take forever to figure this out.”
I grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Wait a minute. God has a Mercedes. I found his keys when he sentenced me to Earth to do his will. Damn. Why didn’t I think of that before?”
Stephen nodded, smiling. “That is great news. There must be some way to get the car out of Heaven. Where is it parked?”
“I don’t know, but it has to be here somewhere. Let’s EarthTube it.”
Stephen shook his head. “That’s not going to work. You know we can’t EarthTube anything that is personal information.”
Stephen held up his hand. “Wait a minute. You can’t EarthTube personal things, but you can EarthTube roads and garage doors. Since no one up here owns a car but God, then we should be able to find his car.”
“You’re a genius, Stephen.”
Sure enough, God’s garage attached to the rear of the palace peered from the laptop screen, motivating our departure to investigate. We arrived to find a massive door towering above us, but we entered by slipping through the gap between the door and the ground. Standing by the wheel of God’s Mercedes, I said, “We’re too small to drive God’s car.”
Stephen looked around, “No sweat. We’ll take Jesus’ car.”
I frowned. “How do you know he has a car?”
Stephen tilted his head in a scowl. “Come on. You know Jesus has a car. The son of God without a car? The boss’s son always has a car.”
Stephen proved correct again, with a normal size car discovered on the other side of the Benz. We began hysterically laughing at the tricked-out, pink Jaguar XF with yellow flower spinner rims and rainbows flowing along the sides of the car to the rear, bearing the license plate “Rainbow Pimp.”
I laughed as we opened the doors, “This car is too gay to lead a Pride Parade.”
Inside, our laughter continued as Stephen held the pink fur-covered steering wheel and dash, and I swatted the yellow tassels hung from the top of the windows.
Stephen nudged me. “I bet this car has seen more cock than a twink at a highway rest stop.”
“I know! What a hypocrite. I can’t believe he lectures me about the evils of the gloryhole and how I’m a perverted sinner, all while he rolls in the Rainbow Pimp. That cock-smoker has some nerve.”
“I know. What a jerk. So, let’s figure this thing out.” Stephen began poking around the dashboard. “It looks like a regular car, but there has to be some mechanism to make it travel to Earth, or we'll just be driving around Heaven.” A few minutes of looking around the dash led to Stephen locating the GPS. “Got it.”
He began typing on the GPS’s keypad. “Okay, so you just type in where you want to go and –– oh wow, look, you can enter the year also. Holy shit. You can choose different worlds. Check out where Jesus has been going.”
The screen showed “Rainbow Ass Punks World.”
I laughed, “Okay, so let’s program this thing for earth and go get some porn.”
Stephen sat behind the wheel silently brooding, and after a moment, he pointed to the GPS. “I think we’re thinking about this all wrong. We can go anywhere we want, any time we want.”
“So?” I frowned.
“So, if God is an infinite being, and he created the entire universe out of his infinite thought, a multiverse if you will, then any universe or world we desire to visit is available to us. Furthermore, since the car travels through time, we can go anywhere we want and then just come back a split second after leaving. Jesus won’t know we took the car. Theoretically, we have all the time in the universe.”
I smiled. “You are truly fucking brilliant.”