When creationists take over the LAPD crime lab, Vicente and Scoop are shocked to report the CCSI team implemented their creationist technologies, bringing justice to an abrupt halt. Will the victims receive justice? Is there no one to stop the creationists?
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. The Creationists
“What the fuck is a creationist?” I asked.
Eazy-E and Carrie Fisher stood in front of my desk while Eazy explained, “They’re these crazy motherfuckers who think that God created the universe and life.”
“Well, that seems true since God made everything,” I responded in confusion.
Scoop interjected, “Not the way these people think of it. The creationists believe God created the universe, and they need to prove their version of history and science.”
Eazy continued, “Right, like they think that evolution is bullshit and Dinosaurs didn’t exist.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “So you’re saying these crazies infiltrated the LAPD crime lab and took over the entire department?”
They both nodded in agreement. I responded, “Sounds like a story to me. I am curious about these nuts. Can I come with you?”
Eazy-E worked a different story while Scoop and I went to investigate the creationists. As the Camaro lifted into the Heavenly sky, Scoop buckled the seatbelt. “A murder reported to police early this morning should give us the access we need to report on the CCSI team.” She handed me an address on a piece of paper.
“Good thinking, Scoop.” I programmed the GPS and launched the car into a tunnel of light.
Scoop looked my way. “Did you figure out what to name your car?”
“Not yet. It’s a tough decision. Nothing seems good enough. I feel like I am waiting for something to inspire me.”
Scoop returned, “I’m sure God will let you know when you least expect it.”
I nodded as we rocketed from the tunnel of light and bounced onto a road leading into the Hollywood hills. We soon found the address surrounded by flashing police cars, and using press credentials, we entered the police lines. In the home’s living room, a detective studied a murdered woman sprawled on the floor, and Scoop asked, “So, how are your investigations going with the new crime lab people?”
The detective rubbed his head in frustration, “Terrible! These creationist motherfuckers allow every criminal to walk because of shoddy forensics.”
“What are they doing wrong?” Scoop inquired.
“You’ll see; here they come now.” The detective pointed to the door.
A group dressed in white button-down shirts and black ties entered the room carrying black cases. Their leader adjusted his glasses and said in a loud voice, “Okay, stand back, people. We need room to do God’s work.”
The CCSI team opened their cases and removed equipment as the detective screamed, “What the hell took you people so long? We’ve been waiting here for hours.”
The leader of the creationists nodded smugly. “Church ran a little long this morning, and we came from across town on bikes.”
“Why the hell don’t you just drive a car like a normal person?”
The creationists all laughed, and the leader responded, “The devil would love that for sure. If God wanted people to drive cars, he would have given us cars when he made us. Besides, this is a no-brainer of a case. We’ll have this wrapped up quick.” He extended his hand to the creationist beside him. “Hand me a crucifix, please.”
The detective stormed out of the room as the CCSI tech handed the leader a crucifix. The leader walked around the room, holding the crucifix in front of him as if detecting something. “Definitely not an accident. Lot of evil in this room. Satan was here.”
I looked at Scoop inquisitively then turned to the leader. “I could have told you it wasn’t an accident; the poor woman has a bullet hole in her head.”
The leader of the creationist techs responded, “Shh, I am trying to determine the extent of the evil. Everyone, grab a crucifix to help divine this mystery.”
The creationists began walking around the room aimlessly, pointing their crucifixes in different directions. Every few seconds, one of them called out, “Definitely evil here.”
Once finished, they put their crucifixes away, and the leader said, “Okay, let’s get started praying.”
Scoop said in bewilderment, “Shouldn’t you people be collecting samples of DNA, hair, or something useful to trace the killer?”
The leader pushed his glasses up his nose and frowned. “Do you really think we need the science of man when we have the truth of the Lord?”
“Yes.” Scoop emphatically nodded.
“That’s because you don’t have faith.” The leader shook his head.
The CCSI team prayed as their leader raised his hands to the air and closed his eyes. “Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor woman and tell us the truth of her killer. Give us your all-seeing. Now prophesize, brothers and sisters.”
A female creationist stepped forward. “I see a black man. Yes, it was a black man. He broke into the house to rob this poor woman, and he shot her in the head.”
The leader responded, “That’s good, sister! Can anyone give us some more information? Prophesize.”
Another creationist stepped forward. “Yes, a black man between five and six feet tall. He also wore a baseball cap.”
The creationists continued prophesizing the perpetrator’s description as Scoop, and I filmed their work.
On an unknown, peaceful planet, a room of scientists monitor computers when a large viewing screen at the room’s center suddenly flashes red, and a computerized voice thunders across the room, “Danger! Danger!”
A scientist yells from his terminal, “Sir, we have confirmation of a threat.”
A stern military leader shifts a cigar in his teeth as he turns to the scientists. “What is the danger, and where is the origin?”
The scientists scramble, typing into their keyboards, and another scientist yells out, “It’s a full-blown creationist evolution conspiracy and dinosaur-denier infiltration. The stupidity epicenter tracks to a parallel dimension on a different planet Earth.”
Another scientist calls out, “We have confirmation on all monitoring stations. The danger is real, sir.”
The military leader folds his arms. “Deploy the countermeasure.”