Hairy Puder & The Philosopher’s Bone

Netflix movie wizardry does it again, producing a masterpiece of social justice.

Hairy Puder & The Philosopher’s Bone

The Netflix I Want to See

Late one night at the Necromancy Occult & Black Incantations Group of Thaumaturgy Schools, otherwise known as NO BIGOTS, the magic professors save infant Larry Suter by sending him to live with his aunt, K.J. Scowling. Scowling is supposed to keep Larry safe so he may one day fulfill his destiny and stop VoldiTrump, the evil wizard who killed Larry’s parents. Not at all like other Jesus-infused, derivative, savior-archetype stories.

Larry must now endure childhood trauma because, unbeknownst to everyone, Scowling is a transphobic children’s fiction writer, loved and adored by millions of people who wrongly believe her an intelligent freethinker for having written many bad books. Worse yet, his wicked aunt secretly loves VoldiTrump and tries to impress him by causing Larry many hardships. Renaming Larry to Hairy when he displays gender and sexual curiosity, Scowling claims the name change will remind him that girls have puders, not boys. She even makes him attend church and Jesus camp for queers while wearing suits like VoldiTrump because real men dress in business suits and spout hatred. Hairy’s life swells with deceit, wickedness, and a lack of compassion that keeps him from learning his true identity, which causes bullying, bad grades, and drug use.

A decade of suffering passes, and right when Hairy feels he can’t endure another day, a magic rainbow appears and leads him to NO BIGOTS. Hairy learns he is not a freak or chosen child but one of many beloved, accepted children destined to find the Philosopher’s Bone. When VoldiTrump hears of Hairy’s admission to NO BIGOTS, his fury launches a quest to find the mythical device that infuses people with critical thought: the one weapon that can stop VoldiTrump. Hairy and new friends race to stop VoldiTrump and Scowling before they misuse the Philosopher’s Bone and lead humanity into a new dark age. After a long battle, Hairy captures the Bone and rubs it on VoldiTrump, releasing its power. The Philosopher’s Bone fails since critical thought requires some intelligence but successfully banishes VoldiTrump to Florida, where he spends his days crying about losing. Similarly, Scowling finds her books banished to the dollar bin at Wal-Mart. A breathtaking story ended brilliantly with a young girl, Mary Suter, finding her true home at NO BIGOTS.

Hairy Puder is a brave movie filled with diversity, reflecting Netflix’s commitment to stand defiantly against the Hollywood standard of privileged, straight, white boys going to magic schools sparsely sprinkled with a token white female or two. Yes, the story of Hairy Puder is brave indeed! A masterpiece of cinema, Hairy Puder shatters Hollywood stereotypes, biases, and mind-numbing genre fiction films that only an illiterate could love. Already a smash hit, Netflix has quietly announced the sequel, The Chamber of the Privileged that is sure to be another thought-provoking cinema endeavor. Bravo, Netflix! Bravo!

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Don’t take my membership away! I love you Netflix.

Modified Photo by Jules Marvin Eguilos on Unsplash