Join S.H.I.T. traveling through the shimmering blue orifice to earth to find the only person who can save Joe Rogaine. Tweak the T.I.T.S. and open the A.S.S. - S.H.I.T. is coming!
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. The Making of SHIT
Stephen and I made our way back to Joe’s house, where shocked partygoers discussed Joe’s arrest. As we entered the house, I said, “Stephen, God locks his garage ever since we stole Jesus’s car. How are we going to get to earth without the car?”
Stephen replied, “Don’t worry. I have been working on a transportation solution for some time.”
As we entered Joe’s house, people milled in shock, and a heavy fear filled the room as Stephen spoke to the crowd, “Look, everyone, you saw what happened to Joe. We must save him. Satan informed us sentencing takes place tomorrow, so we need to hurry. I’m asking for volunteers for a mission to save Joe. Who will join us?”
The partygoers whispered amongst themselves then Elvis stepped forward. “You know, man, I don't aim to let this business get me. God gave me a voice. If I turned against God, I'd be finished.”
The crowd murmured in agreement as I nudged Stephen. “Stephen, that guy is so stupid.”
Stephen nodded and rolled his eyes at the very moment Satan ran into the room and panted, “It’s decided. The angels scheduled sentencing for noon tomorrow, and unless someone comes forward and defends Joe’s actions, Joe’s finished. The other angels said Murder World is the likely sentence.”
Stephen turned to the crowd. “Who is going to help? Vicente and I can’t do this alone. Joe is a good guy, and this is a mockery of everything Heaven stands for. It’s our duty as Heaven’s citizens to stop this injustice and CREEP. Who will join us?”
A voice from the crowd said, “I’ll go.” A young, petite Vietnamese woman stepped from the crowd. “I will join you.”
“Who are you?” I asked.
“I am Thuy Trang: the first Yellow Power Ranger.” She folded her arms.
I laughed and started to say something when Thuy kicked me in the nuts. As I fell to the floor writhing in agony, Thuy said, “And, I am also a Kung Fu master.”
Stephen looked at me, then at her. “You’re in Thuy. Now, who else will join us?”
A plump bald man stepped from the crowd. “You’re going to need a leader for this operation. I am prepared to coordinate and lead this mission, using my experience as commander of an elite, fictional military operation that traveled to other planets via an alien device known as a Stargate. Don S. Davis is prepared to serve.”
Kimbo Slice stepped out of the crowd. “Count me in; Joe’s my friend. I was an MMA fighter, so I can help if you need to throw down, but more importantly, you’re going to need a strong, robot-like, black man to diversify this team but ultimately not steal the show like that Christopher Judge.”
Don Davis looked about the crowded room. “We need one more volunteer?”
Stephen said, “I will be the fourth.”
Don shook his head. “I’m sorry, Stephen, we need you here to manage the sciency, technical stuff in case something goes wrong.”
I grimaced. “He’s right, Stephen. You also have to stay because if you return, you’ll revert to crippled.”
Stephen reluctantly nodded as I looked to Don. “Why do we need a fourth person? Why can’t Thuy, Kimbo, and I go?”
Don Davis laughed, “I ran fictional off-world missions for ten years on Stargate SGI, and in the fictional off-world exploration business, the optimal team number is four. So, who else will volunteer?”
Stephen stepped towards the crowd. “Yes, Don is right; we need one more.”
“I’ll go.” Carrie Fisher stepped from the crowd.
I turned to Stephen and Don. “What the fuck. Heaven's filled with ancient warriors and martial arts masters, and this is the best we can come up with? A Power Ranger, MMA fighter, Princess Leia, and a failed farmer?”
Don Davis stepped forward, raising a fist. “Courage is not always the measure of past victories or dictated by reputations. No, today, the fight is for Heaven’s very principles, and we need to be bold and cunning. Let it be known from this day forward that Save Heaven’s Integrity Team stood against the corruption threatening us all. We shall win or perish trying.”
The crowd applauded and cheered as I nudged Don. “You really took that part seriously.”
“Yes, I did,” said Don as he turned his attention to Stephen and asked, “So, what technologies have you procured to aid in this mission?”
Stephen waved a hand. “Follow me, sir. Everyone in SHIT, follow me.”