When Billy Graham, Kirk Cameron, and Joel Osteen launch the Flat Earth Creationist Extremist Ship (FECES), it will take the combined forces of Heaven, Levar Burton, Stan Lee, and Billy McDinopenis to stop them from annihilating the earth. Will these heroes be enough?
Will they need the power of the beautiful and mysterious Kesha Rose, the Rainbow Dynamo?
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Stephen Hawking told me to come to his house because he had urgent news. “Let’s go, Scoop; I’ve got a lead!” I called at Carrie Fisher across the newsroom bullpen in my basement.
Scoop rose from her office chair and grabbed her phone. “On it, boss.”
On the drive to Stephen’s house, Scoop asked, “Do you know what this is about?”
I sighed, “No, I’m sure it's nothing big. Those scientists are always cooking up some newfangled thing nobody understands.”
We parked in front of Stephen’s house, headed to the front door, and with one knock, the door swung open, revealing Don Davis. “All right, people, let’s move. Time is short.”
“What the hell?” I asked.
Don motioned his hand to follow. “We have to hurry. Stephen and the scientists discovered something troubling, and they’re having a meeting downstairs to figure out what’s going on. If Stephen is correct, the earth might be in big trouble.”
Entering the basement, we descended into a yelling and screaming scientist throng, and Don Davis took control. “That’s enough people! We need order in this discussion, or we won’t get anything done. Go ahead, Stephen, explain the problem.”
Stephen pointed to a large flat disk-like object in a photo on the table. “Three days ago, I began exploring the cosmos after finishing the construction of the Visual Acuity Generating Interplanetary Network Analyzer or VAGINA and found this ship near the outer edge of the earth’s solar system. After watching the UFO make speed and course adjustments to avoid objects, then returning to earth’s heading, I believe this UFO is a spaceship.”
Enrico Fermi stepped forward. “It’s just a rock. A strangely shaped one but just a harmless rock. Every movement can be explained by solar wind and gravity. When I examined this object using my Super Cosmic Retinal Observational Telescopic Universal Mapper, the SCROTUM showed it was just an asteroid aimlessly moving about space.”
Stephen yelled, “That’s because your SCROTUM cannot identify temperature changes. Look at my VAGINA photos, and you'll see where it heats up just before changing speed or direction, like engines on a ship.”
Don Davis raised his hand. “Okay, okay, is there any way we can use the SCROTUM and the VAGINA together to get a clearer picture of this thing?”
Stephen shook his head. “No, we are really at our limits with the SCROTUM and the VAGINA.”
Einstein stepped forward. “Why don’t we use the Micro Analyzing Subatomic Sequencing Inventory Vector Extrapolating Topological Identification Telemetry System. Perhaps photo examination with the MASSIVE TITS can detect details at the subatomic level?”
Stephen shook his head. “We tried that, but the MASSIVE TITS didn’t show anything more than the VAGINA and SCROTUM.”
“Wait a minute.” Don Davis pointed to the sheet-covered device in the corner of the lab. “Why don’t we use the Trans-dimensional Interconnecting Transport System and Accretion Spatial Sequencer. We could use the TITS & ASS to send someone out there and take a picture at close range.”
Neil Armstrong stepped from the crowd. “I’ll go.”
An eye-rolling Gus Grissom stepped alongside Neil. “You’re a dick, Neil. Why do you always have to be first? I’ll go.”
While Gus and Neil argued, Stephen said, “We have only one spacesuit.”
Don Davis yelled, “That settles it. Grissom, you’re up. Armstrong, you are the reserve.”
Grissom danced around Armstrong, singing, “I’m going first.”
I turned to Carrie Fisher, “Scoop, are you getting this?”
Scoop shook her head. “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is newsworthy.”
A short time of preparation passed, ending with Don Davis hollering, “Tweak the TITS and open that ASS! Spacewalk One, prepare to depart to the outer edge of the solar system.”
Standing in the middle of the crowded room before a spacesuit encased Grissom, Stephen said, “Are you ready, Gus?”
Gus peered through the visor while lifting a heavily clad arm and gave the thumbs up. Einstein tweaked the TITS on the torso-like transportation device, causing light emission from the ASS, forming the shimmering blue orifice. Stephen patted the front of the spacesuit, “Gus, I attached the Connecting Universal Networking Transmitter and Direct Interchange Cosmic K-band or CUNT & DICK to the front of your suit. Just be gentle when working the CUNT & DICK; they’re sensitive.”
Gus smiled and gave the thumbs up. Turning slowly, he took a camera from one of the scientists and stepped into the shimmering blue orifice. A few seconds later, Gus’ voice crackled from the CUNT & DICK in Don’s hand. “Spacewalk One to Heaven, do you read me?”
Don Davis gently operated the CUNT & DICK, “We read you Gus, five by five.”
“It’s amazing out here. Fuck you, Neil! Oh, there’s the object. Uh oh, it is a ship like I've never seen. The object is a planet-size flat rock with continents resembling earth. An enormous bubble encases the land below, and at the outer edge of the disk, ice walls hold the oceans from spilling off. My God! It has engines and what looks like a massive laser cannon built into a crucifix hood ornament on the front of what I can only describe as a flat earth ship. Wait, there is activity. A beam of light flashed from one of the continents. Oh shit! It’s coming at me! Open the ASS! Open the ASS!”
Quickly, the scientists opened the ASS, and Gus exited the orifice, but a beam stuck him in the back just before the orifice slammed shut. “They got me! Aah!”
Gus fell to the floor as scientists worked to remove his helmet, revealing a mindless Gus Grissom, twisting his head back and forth, chanting, “Jesus saves. It’s true because it’s in the bible.”
“Gus! Can you hear me?” screamed Don Davis shaking the fallen astronaut.
A voice boomed from the top of the basement stairs, “You can’t help him.” Billy McDinopenis descended the stairs, followed by Stan Lee and LeVar Burton. “He’s a victim of evantriloquism.”
Don Davis looked confused. “What the hell is that?”
Billy pointed to Gus. “It’s the power to make people act on and say stupid religious things even if they don’t believe. Only one individual in the universe possesses the power, Billy Graham.”
Scoop ran to Billy McDinopenis, smiling. “Billy, tell us all about this evantriloquism? We want to hear about this power and all your recent adventures with that magnificent dino penis.”
I shook my head. “Scoop, you better be recording more than that damn dino penis.”