Vicente learns a Heavenly lesson he probably knew but just didn't bother to follow when he gets himself in a world of shit with God. Will Stephen Hawking have the answer that will save Vicente? You'll find out in this epic short story.
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. Immaculate Whore
Sitting at home EarthTubing my favorite porn star Tia Ling going about her life at home might seem creepy to those living on earth, but in Heaven, watching anyone, at any time, and anywhere was normal. More than normal, EarthTube’s unrestricted access provided many cool features like deciding whether a player went out of bounds during a big play, learning how many times Monica blew the president in the oval office, or answering whether Jennifer and Brad started screwing again. Despite these benefits, EarthTube had some drawbacks, like empowering nosy freaks like Jerry Garcia to record me masturbating while I used EarthTube to watch the Holy Mother dress. He posted a video of my voyeurism, which made life feel like waiting for my turn before the firing squad, especially since God hates me.
An unspoken rule prohibited dating, much less sex with the Holy Mother. Although single, her relationship with God made the situation awkward, like desiring to tap your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Fear of the Almighty left Mary a virgin, which I thought a load of crap since he never even banged her except one time when he knocked her up ‘from on high’ (however that works) and never went back for more.
The miracle of Jesus resulted from that relation –– miracle my ass! What a douche! Never have I seen such a holier than thou, self-righteous prick.
“You know I’m the son of God, right?”
“Do you really think that is God’s Will for you to be doing that?”
“Is that really a Heavenly behavior?”
“Maybe you should ask yourself, ‘Would I do that?’” Pointing at himself.
Fuck him. Jesus hanging around likens to working with the boss’s kid. You can’t fire him, you need to watch everything you say, and he doesn’t do shit. The worst part is you can’t bang his mom because you just know he’s going to say something awkward afterward, “I hope you plan on treating my mom nice.” What do you say to the guy after playing cornhole with his mom?
This holy family nonsense, in my opinion, caused the problem that forever changed EarthTube, starting with Mary’s knock at my door, to which I answered in surprise, “Oh, hi. Can I help you?”
She adjusted her veil. “I was hoping to have a conversation with you.”
Frustration rode my nerves with the assumption she likely wanted to discuss the masturbating and something to do with her feelings, causing a reluctant response, “Come on in.”
Mary entered, and I motioned to the sofa, where she sat. “I want to talk to you about the incident on EarthTube.”
I sat across from her in the easy chair and sighed, “Okay.”
She placed her hands in her lap. “I was rather shocked to see you masturbating to me. It took me by surprise because no one ever does that with me. I did some EarthTubing of my own and saw you at the gloryhole. You spend an enormous amount of time there. Curiosity got the best of me, and I watched you last night pleasuring yourself to Tia Ling taking a shower. At first, I was a bit shocked by what I saw, but curiosity grew and feelings not felt in a very long time surfaced. As you know, I’ve never been with a man. So, I thought maybe you might teach me if you are willing.”
Wisdom flashed: if I ended the situation now, everyone could watch EarthTube and see she came on to me, and I did the right thing. So, I stood, dropped my pants, and pointed. “The first thing you need to learn is this dick will not suck itself.”
