Vicente learns true love's secret & how to get a car from God when Victor Schertzinger shows him how the Clinton's infidelity makes the world function properly.
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. Victor Schertzinger
Headed to the coffee shop early in the morning, I saw a man outside his house uncovering what appeared to be an antique, pipeless organ floating on a tiny cloud. Curious, I stopped and pointed. “What the hell is that?”
The man replied, “Good morning, young man. Haven’t you ever seen a pipe organ? This is my most prized possession, a magic organ that plays the songs of love.”
“It doesn’t have any pipes or speakers and floats on a cloud; is that normal?”
The man tapped the top of the organ. “Of course. It’s a magic organ.” He stepped towards me and offered his hand. “I am Victor L. Schertzinger, music composer.”
I shook his hand. “I’m Vicente, and I don’t really have a skill or career.”
“That’s too bad. Having a job gives a man purpose. Don’t you get restless or bored?”
“Well, sometimes, but I usually fill the time with masturbation, sex, or the gloryhole.”
“Ha, ha, ha! That fills the time, but does it satisfy you and give you a sense of accomplishment?”
“Well, not really with the masturbation. Sex is more satisfying, but even that gets old because dating and hooking-up sucks. Relationships can be exhausting. I still have nightmares about my ex-wife.”
Victor laughed, “Join the club, young man. It’s a good thing everyone gets a mandatory divorce when they get to Heaven. Can you imagine spending eternity with your earth wife? Thank God my job taught me the secret to making relationships work. My new girlfriend and I are much happier than my ex-wife and I ever were.”
“Really?” I frowned. “So, what’s the secret, Victor?”
“You’re in for a treat, old boy. Hop on the organ of love, and let me show you.”
Victor and I sat on the organ bench, which caused me some worry. “This thing is old. Are you sure it’s safe?”
Victor laughed, “Don’t let the age fool you. This organ still has a lot of get-up and go. Now hold on there, chap.”
With the flip of switches, the organ of love rose from the ground, higher and higher on the small cloud beneath, then launched forward, gaining velocity like a jet. Victor cried, “Here we go, young man!”
As I watched the landscape cruising past below, Victor nudged me with his elbow. “Pull out the iPad in the glove compartment and look at the list on the screen. Where is our first stop?”
Powering the pad made a list of names and addresses glow. “The Clinton residence is at the top.”
Victor sighed, “Oh, those two again. This will be a good stop for you even though it’s a bit of a routine for me.”
“Victor, what do we do when we get there?”
“You’ll see!” Tugging a lever caused a light tunnel to shear the Heavenly sky, and as we raced into the light, Victor fumbled with some sheet music on the organ’s music rack. “Ah, here it is. Now we’re ready.” The organ of love blasted from the light into the New York sky, and soon we arrived outside the Clinton home. Shifting my head from right to left in a panic, I asked, “Can people see us?”
Victor laughed, “No, no, my boy. We're in ghost mode; only old people and dogs see us, but no one listens to them.” Victor slowly steered the organ into the Clinton home. “Here we go; nice and easy.”
The organ penetrated the Clinton house revealing Bill Clinton lying naked on the bed as a woman with cottage cheese-looking cellulite covering the backs of her legs and ass pranced around the bed with a large cigar in her mouth. Bill looked bored and yawned, but Victor suddenly pounded the organ, unleashing the sounds of love. Bill’s face perked up as he sat up. “Come on, girl. Show Billy how bad you want him to buy you a cheeseburger.”
The power of the music forced me into excitement, causing me to grab myself in discomfort, to which Victor laughed, “Don’t worry, young man! It’s natural. It takes a bit of getting used to, but you’ll be fine. If you need Kleenex, they're in the glove compartment. I am always prepared.”
Bill mounted the bovine woman and rode as she howled, “Billy! Billy! Billy! Make it a quarter-pounder!”
Victor sighed, “That’s one down and one to go.”
Slowly the organ of love sank into the floor and continued several levels until arriving in the basement, where Hillary wore a leather bra with openings for her nipples and crotchless leather panties. She lazily cracked a whip. “I’m bored with Tia Ling porn. Try to find some hardcore porn for us to download.”
Four young men wearing only “IT Guy” t-shirts and badges feverishly worked her computer. Each man took turns typing into the server, stopping to ask Hillary, “How about this kind of porn?” Unable to satisfy her, the situation appeared hopeless until Victor wailed away on the organ of love, causing Hillary to crack the whip. “Fuck that internet! Let’s make our own porn. You! Let’s start with you… That’s it! Work it, boy. Now, did you erase those movies from the server? Good boy! Now you can finish up… You, over there, come here. That’s right; it’s time to clean my keyboard. Did you wipe that browser memory? Oh, you did, very nice. Now finish up, good job! All right, it’s your turn. Yes, you! Get your ass over here and start spinning my mouse wheel. Very nice! Did you get rid of the emails, especially the ones marked Secret? I don’t want to get in trouble; who knows what dirtiness is in those emails. Oh, that’s nice! Good, finish up… Hey you! Don’t try to sneak away. I see you with those printouts. Get over here and overclock my processor. I’m gonna need you to get it real hot, and when done, take all those pictures out to the garage and burn them in the steel trash can.
I gazed in bewilderment as Hillary got fucked on her computer.