The Republican Disease
SATIRE

The Republican Disease: Conservatism is Not a Death Sentence

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Bill’s Story

Bill entered the office as the doctor stood, motioning to a chair. “Please, Bill, have a seat.”

“Thanks, doc. I got to tell you I’m a little worried. Normally, my annual tests come back, and one of the nurses calls to let me know everything turned out fine. You can imagine my surprise when they called to set another appointment.”

Doctor Paul answered, “I know, Bill. I’m sorry for making you worry, but we needed to go over your test results.”

Bill let out a nervous laugh, “You have me worried now.”

Dr. Paul leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk. “Bill, I have some bad news. Your results came back positive for conservatism.”

Laughing in disbelief, “Nah, that couldn’t be. I feel fine.”

“Bill, you might only be feeling the minor effects of this disease since you are in Stage II. Luckily, we caught it in time and can stop the spread.”

Bill leaned back in his chair. “Damn, how did this happen?”

Dr. Paul tapped the desk. “Let me ask you something, Bill; have you recently joined a church?”

“I did. My life was feeling a little incomplete, so I decided to go to this nice Christian church down the street.”

“Well, there you go, Bill. Church put you directly in Stage II.”

“But it was just one time; how could this happen? What does this mean? What happens next?”

Dr. Paul stood and turned, pointing to a diagram on the wall behind him. “Bill, many of us, perhaps all of us, are born with the risk of this insidious illness. We don’t know the exact causes of conservatism, but some suspect it is genetic and dormant in all humans, waiting for a catalyst to awaken the disease. You likely experienced symptoms for some time but didn’t notice. I’m going to read you Stage One’s symptoms, and you will readily know if you’ve been symptomatic leading to Stage Two. Have you experienced any of these issues: anger over your property taxes, jilted by a girlfriend, wanting to believe in god despite knowing the silliness of such an idea, finding yourself reading Christian websites that make no sense but seem comforting; are any of these sounding familiar, Bill?”

Bill shook his head. “Damn, my property taxes did increase, and my girlfriend left me. Almost all of those apply to me.”

Dr. Paul nodded. “That explains it.” He turned, pointing to the diagram again. “See, going to Church hurled you into Stage II. You likely experienced some of these symptoms also: have you felt angry at women for standing up for themselves despite knowing you would do the same thing if the situation were reversed, like receiving lower pay or being treated subserviently? Have you felt despise towards homosexuals, or any sexuality, for no good reason? Oh, and here is an important one: have you found yourself denying racial injustice as a liberal media exaggeration despite people murdered as a result of racism?”

With a look of panic, Bill stammered, “Doc, you just nailed everything I’ve been feeling lately. My God, what do I do?”

Dr. Paul raised his hand. “Whoa, Bill. It’s alright. Conservatism is not a death sentence. The chance of recovery is excellent if treated timely and properly. We’ve come a long way in treatment since the days of committing people to Klan Meetings to hopelessly live out their days in a blind, nonsensical rage. If you were in Stage Four, things would be different.”

“That’s a relief, Doc. Stage Four sounds pretty bad.”

“I’m not going to sugarcoat the situation, Bill, because you need to know what you’re up against. If you start feeling the need to turn your will and life over to the care of Jesus Christ and find yourself arguing the validity of the evolutionary theory, you will be well on your way to Stage Three.”

“That sounds awful, doc.”

“It is, Bill. Conservatism is nothing to fool around with. Let’s go over some Stage Three symptoms to know what to look for if the disease metastasizes. Now, other symptoms include suddenly screaming ‘whore’ when women decline to date you, referring to scientists as ‘evilutionists’, and arguing god’s existence based on the uncompelling, unprovable, pseudo-theory of intelligent design.” The doctor shuffled some papers on the desk and continued, “Ah, here are some other important symptoms to be aware of: arguing against abortion for the sake of pro-life while staunchly defending the death penalty. Feeling fondness for anything pertaining to President Trump, such as wearing MAGA hats or thinking he’s an American success story despite bankrupting a casino: an act as successful as going broke owning a goldmine.”

“I’ll be sure to look for those.” Bill nodded.

“Good, Bill. Good. Now, in rare cases, conservatism can be fast-growing, and we need to watch for the Stage Four symptoms also because sometimes it skips right past Stage Three.”

“That’s scary.” Bills face broadened in fear.

“Don’t worry, Bill. It’s rare. You just need to be aware because the symptoms occur suddenly.”

“Yes, doctor.”

Dr. Paul flipped papers on his desk and descended a list with his finger, reading, “Beware of the sudden intense urge to purchase a double-wide trailer in the middle of nowhere to stockpile guns because the communist conspiracy in government wants to take your possessions — despite no one wanting your guns or double-wide. Make sure you also report any of the following: sudden attendance at a Republican Convention, the urge to storm the Capital, any thoughts of the Proud Boys and Neo-Nazis being good guys defending the freedom of speech, and sudden outbursts of racism or Christian Nationalist diatribe, which are really the same thing.”

“I’ll be sure to look for those symptoms, doc.”

“Good, Bill. Now, perhaps most important, if you start creating fake social media profiles of black men or black women in an attempt to sound credible when posting claims of blacks being more racist than whites, you must immediately go to the hospital. For that matter, any form of digital impersonation meant to reinforce conservative nonsense warrants a visit to the ER.”

“Jesus Christ! I had no idea conservatism could make someone so crazy. I’ll be wary of those symptoms. What is the treatment?

Dr. Paul sat in his chair and leaned back. “Well, Bill, we’re going to start with cultural immersion therapy.”

“What’s that?”

“Cultural immersion therapy fights the disease of conservatism by submerging you in reality. I am prescribing you some volunteer work and not some bullshit at your local church, helping other supposed Christians. No, you need to assist people not living in a facade of righteousness and volunteer at a hospital or deliver for Meals on Wheels. There you can meet, help, and learn to appreciate all races and creeds instead of objectifying them as racial, sexual, or gender issues you nonsensically believe mean to harm you.”

“Wow. That’s good, doc. That sounds really good.”

“It is good, Bill. Very good.” Dr. Paul smiled.

If you know someone exhibiting the symptoms of conservatism, urge them to seek medical attention as soon as possible.

~~~

Article Updated: 03/05/2022