When confronted with his assholism, Vicente twelve steps his way to recovery. Will Vicente find a higher power or will he piss off God on his spiritual journey to serenity?
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. Assholes Anonymous
“I think you know why I am here.” Jesus stood at the front door.
I motioned for him to enter. “Hey, that fat, fucking bastard started it!”
Jesus stepped into the living room and sat on the sofa. “It’s not just the incident with Jerry Garcia. Since you arrived in Heaven, you have shown nothing but contempt for the rules. You broke into my Holy Father’s home twice, took an unauthorized trip to another world, then you and Stephen Hawking stole and destroyed my car during another unauthorized trip to Tia Ling World. You also told incredible lies about having sex with the Holy Mother. Do you really think these are Heavenly behaviors?”
I raised my hands. “Hold on a minute. I only broke into His house once. Stephen and I were on a mission from God the second time. Look, man, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but your mom is a very dirty girl.”
Jesus smirked. “You don’t honestly expect me to believe my Holy Father sent you on a mission to destroy my car? You also can’t possibly expect me to believe the Immaculate Mother would have sex with you?”
I slumped into an easy chair. “Go ahead, believe whatever the hell you want. What do you want from me?”
“I think you need to attend a meeting for people with your condition. Lots of people come to Heaven and struggle to adjust to heavenly life. Here is a card with a meeting address and time.”
The card showed a Rainbow with the words “Over the Rainbow AA Group” printed beneath, which made me frown. “What is this place? A gay bar? Look, if you just wanted me to fuc-”
Jesus interrupted, “No. It’s a meeting place for Assholes Anonymous. I tried to be nice and not call you out, but you need to talk to someone. You’re a serious asshole, and you need some help.”
“Aw, man, what the hell? I don’t need therapy. I don’t want to go to some stupid meeting. Look, I appreciate your concern, but I am not going there.”
“I am not asking you; I am telling you to go to the meeting. Your behavior and attitude are appalling, and something needs to change. Let me give you the lay of the land. As you know, many worlds exist in the cosmos, and if you notice, there are no serial killers or mass murderers in Heaven. Although it is against God’s will to hurt or kill anyone, the Almighty sees fit to separate these individuals from us. With that said, sometimes people come to Heaven, and they don't quite fit. When this occurs, I suggest to Dad relocating these people to a world more fitting to their personalities and behavior.”
“Imagine a world of assholes, where every day you must check your guitar to see if someone shit in it. Imagine a place where you are constantly cock-blocked by people who think interrupting you during sex is humorous. A place where people make loud noise every night, steal deliveries off your doorstep, cut you off in traffic, drive over your lawn, bitch about you running over their lawn, sit beside you on an empty bus, and cut in front of you in lines. Must I continue to explain what living in a world filled with assholes would be like?"
I sighed, “No, dammit, I’ll go.”
The next night I attended the Over The Rainbow meeting, arriving a little early to find people setting up chairs. Light conversation over coffee led to an introduction. “Hey, how are you doing? My name is Bob.” A burly, middle-aged man extended a hand.
I shook his hand. “Hi, I’m okay. My name is Vicente.”
“Is this your first time?”
“Yes.”
“No problem, Vicente, I chair the meeting. Let me get you some literature.” He sifted the literature on the table then handed me a book and leaflets. “This is what we call the Big Book, and it contains everything you need for recovery.”
“So, what do I do? Just read this stuff?” I thumbed the book.
Bob laughed, “Oh no, you need to attend meetings like this one. Oh damn, it’s time to start the meeting. Stick around, and we’ll talk more afterward.”
Bob stood behind the podium before the half-circle of meeting goers in chairs. “Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an asshole.”
The group chanted, “Welcome, Bob.”
Bob led the group recital of the Serenity Prayer, and when finished, he made announcements for the many asshole activities like dances, picnics, and asshole-free parties. After the prayer and announcements, Bob said, “I would like to start tonight’s meeting by allowing new people to share their experience.”
A guy stood. “My name’s Dave, and I’m an asshole.”
The group chanted, “Welcome, Dave.”
Dave dropped his head. “Thanks. So, I was at my girlfriend’s house when my wife showed up. You know how that shit goes. All of a sudden, I was jammed up with both bitches an’ trying to explain how a man’s got urges. I said, ‘Look, we can beef about this shit all day, or we can take advantage of this opportunity for the three of us to make friends if you get my drift.’ That’s how I ended up here today. I don’t know what to do cuz this is just how I am.”
Thoughts flashed of life before Heaven with my wife catching me at the gloryhole in the barn bringing a realization that perhaps I might be an asshole. People’s stares interrupted thought, and I stood. “My name is Vicente, and I am an asshole.”
“Welcome, Vicente.” They chanted.
“Thanks. I was told to come here because I shit in Jerry Garcia’s guitar, fucked the Virgin Mother, broke into God’s house twice, went off-world twice without authorization, and blew up Jesus’ car while trying to fuck Tia Ling and get some porn. Oh, and I killed millions of people while haunting earth because mortals couldn’t understand my request for them to perform bungholery.”
Everyone nodded. “Thanks for sharing, Vicente.”
I sat down and listened to the rest of the meeting, which felt good, like I belonged somewhere.
After the meeting, Bob approached me. “So, Vicente, how did you like your first meeting.”
I smiled. “Finally, a bunch of motherfuckers who understand and relate with me.”
Bob laughed, “You’re not alone. You see, Vicente, we understand because we all suffer the same sickness. It’s not your fault because assholism is a disease and a form of insanity. It’s a physical, mental, and spiritual illness. Right now, your disease controls your life and keeps getting you into trouble. You are powerless over assholism, but don’t worry, there is a solution.”
“What is it? I don’t want to be sick.” My eyes welled with tears.
Bob placed his hand on my shoulder. “Believe it or not, you just took the first step to recovery. Admitting your powerlessness over Assholism and your life’s unmanageability started you on the spiritual journey to recovery.”
