An annoying bullshitter comes to Heaven, but his lies are camouflage for Heaven's underbelly of corruption and nepotism. Will God help or conveniently go on vacation? Will Vicente and Stephen find a way to save their friend from CREEP?
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Stephen and I entered God’s Palace and waited near the line of people attended by Angels until an Archangel pointed a small, plump man towards us. The troll-like man giggled loudly and hobbled towards us on stumpy, fat legs. “Oooooh! Hello! I am Carlos Reginald Enrique Emilio Patterson, but my friends call me CREEP. Oooooh! I am so happy to be here. There are so many pretty girls and boys here in Heaven. What does everyone do for fun? Oooooh! Did you see the angels? They’re pretty.”
I nodded and motioned my thumb to the door. “Look, you got all of eternity to have fun. First, we need to take you to your new home and make sure you understand the rules. Do you have your orientation pamphlet?”
“Oooooh! I do have it. I read it several times while I waited because I am an extremely intelligent person. When growing up, my teachers told me, ‘CREEP, you are very smart.’ I don’t know why? They all just loved me. Oooooh!”
Stephen frowned. “Yeah, that’s great, man, but you’re cutting in on my gloryholing. Let’s move this show along because I have places to be.”
“Oooooh! I want to go to the gloryhole! That sounds like fun. When I was a young man in my twenties, I spent a lot of time at titty bars. The girls all loved me. I don’t know why? I would go to the titty bar, and the girl’s all gathered around. They would rub my buddha belly and say things like, ‘CREEP, you are wonderful!’ When I put dollars in their g-strings, I imagined their pussies tasted like candy. Oooooh! They all just laughed when I told them.”
CREEP smiled as Stephen scowled and started walking. “Let’s get you to your house, CREEP.” Stephen shifted me a glance as CREEP jabbered like a crackhead while we walked.
“Oooooh! These are nice homes. I used to have a nice home. I worked for a long time as a cable installer. I was the greatest cable installer in the world. I could walk into a thirty-story building, and in less than ten seconds, tell them exactly how many feet of cable they needed and how many outlets. All the customers just loved me. They would say things like, ‘CREEP, you do such a great job, and we love you.’ I had big-name customers like Bill Gates and Elon Musk who called me to say, ‘CREEP, I need you to run some cable TV in my Lamborghini or on my yacht.’ I would laugh, ‘I can do it, but it will cost you.’ They would say, ‘Money is of no consequence.’ So skilled at running cable, I once installed HBO in a Bentley in an hour. Everyone stared in awe and applauded. ‘CREEP, we just love you!’”
Stephen stopped walking in front of CREEP’s house and shook his head in frustration. “Dude, this is your house. Maybe you should take some time, get settled in, and call us tomorrow.”
CREEP bounced up and down on his stubby legs exclaiming, “Oooooh! No! I want to go with you guys to the gloryhole. The last fifteen years, I had erectile dysfunction and couldn’t enjoy gloryholes, but luckily, many pretty girls liked to talk to me, and when I told them about my limp penis, they would say, ‘CREEP, you’re so sweet. If your penis worked, we would be with you because we love you.’ Now that I’m healthy, I want to try the gloryhole, and maybe I will meet som-”
Stephen threw his hands in the air. “All right already! Look, man, you’re not going to be talking like that the whole time, are you?”
CREEP stared blankly. “Like what?”
Stephen folded his arms. “CREEP, you’re in Heaven now. There is no one to impress, and no one cares how cool you are because we’re all stuck here together in eternal bliss. If you want your dick sucked, you go to the gloryhole. If you want to fuck someone, be nice and ask politely. You don’t have to be a bullshitter.”
CREEP’s smile disappeared. “You should be careful how you talk to me. I was a Tae Kwon Do master. One time, I went to a bar, and a hundred men twice my height threatened me, so I told them, ‘You do not wish to fight me. I am a Tae Kwon Do champion. I’m a tenth-degree blackbelt.’ They didn’t listen, and you know what happened?”
We stared incredulously.
“I broke arms and legs until the police came and tried to arrest me. The waitresses all loved me and told the police, ‘CREEP, didn’t start the fight, it was all of them.’ You know what?”
We stared even more incredulously.
“The police didn’t believe the girls and argued that one hundred men could not start a fight with one man and lose, but I told them I had to do what I had to do for I am a warrior. They knew the truth when I broke a table in half using only one finger, and they all cried, ‘Oooooh! CREEP, you are a warrior!’” CREEP stared defiantly. “Now, do you know why I have told you this story?”
Flailing in frustration, Stephen screamed, “Motherfucker! I was a fucking physicist and cosmologist! Of course I know why you told me the story; do you honestly believe you’re teaching me some fucking moral or conveying wisdom? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
CREEP closed his eyes, appearing deep in thought. “I have told you this story so you know who I am and why you should not disrespect me. I don’t wish to hurt you, but if I must, I will unleash the warrior spirit within me.”
Stephen’s face reddened with fury. “I just said I understood the story! Are you-”
I grabbed Stephen’s arm. “Whoa, dude! Cool down, man. Don’t let this guy get to you.” I pulled Stephen to the side. “Let’s ditch this dude at the gloryhole and go to Joe’s party. This weird fucker will be so happy getting his dick sucked he won’t notice we left.”
Stephen breathed deep and adjusted his glasses. “Yeah, that’s cool. Man, there is just something about that guy that irks the shit out me.”