Earth's new hero is swaffelen the creationists, flat earthers, and dino deniers. Join Billy McDinopenis as he wages war on the ignorant.
Trigger Warning: Epics are not good reading for religious zealots, especially Christians, sexually uptight pricks, or stupid people.
*All books in the Epic Short Story Series contain adult content.
The Epic Short Stories are satirical, sometimes raunchy narratives poking fun at religion, entertainment, and society. Written originally as a concept for animation, the Epics soon developed into tiny fiction installments made available on KDP.
Chapter 1. The Swaffelen
The twenty-four-foot penis hovered over the crime scene techs with the massive penis menacingly moving as the man’s deep voice boomed, “There will be no intelligent design arguments this day. Today, the fossils deliver justice to the dino deniers.”
The creationist techs raised their crucifixes as their leader stepped forward. “There’s no such thing as Dinosaurs or fossils.”
In a flash, the swaffelen began as the twenty-four-foot penis hammered the leader’s head, driving him to the floor. The other creationists threw holy water, but the penis swung from side to side, smashing the creationists against walls, beating them unconscious. Carrie Fisher and I recorded the action as I yelled, “Scoop, are you getting this!”
Scoop aimed her phone. “I’m on it, boss! I must admit I feel a little turned-on.”
I yelled back, “I know what you mean. I feel a bit inadequate.”
The penis whipped around the room, snagged creationists like a python would an antelope, then hurled them, which soon piled the room with moaning bodies. The man hovered in the air before us as Scoop approached. “Who are you?”
He folded his arms with pride. “I am Billy McDinopenis, defender of scientific knowledge and truth. The countermeasure to pervasive stupidity.”
As the twenty-four-foot penis writhed as though, looking for more creationists to swaffel, Scoop stared in awe. “What are you?”
Billy held a hand to the sky. “Hundreds of millions of years ago, a tyrannosaur killed a brontosaur and ate everything except the penis, perhaps not wanting to feel gay or sexually weird. A monsoon came and washed the bronto penis into a gully that happened to contain uranium. The Dino penis DNA reacted with the radioactive matter, preserving the penis.
“I, Billy McDuggle, the janitor at the Museum for Natural History, swept floors late one night and bumped a crate containing the recently discovered radioactive bronto penis. The crate fell off a table, cracked open when striking the floor, and the penis rolled out. When attempting to pick the penis up, the power of the Dino infused my DNA, endowing me with superhuman abilities, and of course, the Dino penis.”
Scoop marveled. “So, where are you from?”
Billy looked down. “I came through the blue orifice from a world almost identical with your earth that creationists, evolution conspiracy nuts, flat-earthers, evangelists, and other retarded people almost destroyed. Luckily, we found the Dino penis and eradicated the threat. After exterminating my planet’s creationists, fear for the cosmos arose, and we decided to seek and destroy the ignorance. Our scientists monitor the universe for idiot incursions and threats such as the one happening on your planet. When our military and scientists detect a threat, they send me, using this transportation device.” Billy revealed a portable Trans-dimensional Interconnecting Transport System and Accretion Spatial Sequencer.
I exclaimed, “We got one of those too. We call it a TITS & ASS.”
Billy replied, “Oh really, we just call it an EarthGate, but your name seems to be more accurate.”
Scoop rolled her eyes. “I didn’t think the problem so severe. How bad of an issue is creationism?”
Billy’s face fell in dread. “This is how it begins. They start by infiltrating innocuous positions and then begin moving upwards to take over the government. First, it’s the LAPD Crime Lab, and next, it’s the California Government.”
“How does that happen?” asked Scoop.
Billy shook his head dejectedly. “Hop on the Dino penis, and I’ll show you.”